Topic: death troopers ,, coruscanti crash kids beware ! gory story !

[beige-4]

the fragile gun floated across the nebula edgeing closer and closer to coruscant
grenas jakol was aiming his blaster at the many dead coming towards him , he was blowing too many segments off the

 dead he didn't realize the shadowlees bloody figure rise above " aghhhhhhhh " that was his last words witch echoed

 across the blood stained empty corridors of the ship

coruscant 9 bby
a crowd was spread near the disco , the ex- s.a.s clone hammer , now a small time crook looked down at his commlink

 and pressed a few buttons " allo , old fruit whats up with you to call me " asked the tramp with disgust " hey spanner

 hows the waves of dac then " questioned hammer " bloody awful , the rain is coming down hard enough to break a

 mandalorians helmet " exaggerated spanner , who was on leave from the empire for two weeks before another month

 of dirty under carriage work with the ol spanner " well spanner the old days are coming back your coming home now

 and thats a order iv'e got a order to make and your the only guy i trust with a spanner now get your pink fluffy arse

 back to coruscant ! " ordered hammer " i guess i have no choice then ! " guessed the clone " yeh " answered hammer ,

 who didn't know that he would be causeing much trouble

[Project-Durge]

WATTOH the idea is great but you really need to make the passages longer and check the punctuation.

[beige-4]

its the way i right sorry , making passages wastes time in my mind , thats my point of veiw , thank you but i will not change it

[Project-Durge]

Its is the way you put speak that bothers me.

[Irish Ninja 97]

Good read!


-Jack

[Tamer]

I see you are doing a name change.

I too love the concept, but I really think you will probably get more readers and feedback if you clean this up a bit. It seems like a ramble at this point and is somewhat hard to read. I look forward to seeing what you do in your next installment.

[beige-4]

coruscant 9bby
the stormtrooper looked down at his scanner and muttered all the names on the screen to himself " me, dojo kante

 jedi hunter , freah resglee ex imperial sandtrooper now a jedi hunter , kaserk frew famed for his swords and a high

 class bounty hunter , oohh whats this ex speical forces clone ccp-12397 ' hammer ' , smuggler antes fohg ,

 and...  weequay pirate jon dan , also santar trooper clint tamer , and last of all a photographer gansed fartre " the

 stormtrooper looked down at his blaster " i don't like this job "

[Irish Ninja 97]

Great reas mate, but I agree with Tamer. If you clean up your story a little, it will make it better.


-Jack

[Project-Durge]

perhaps you should write this on microsoft word before you post it

[beige-4]

The sedras 9 bby corucsant system
“ this is the ‘ sedras ‘ your ship is damaged , is anyone there ? “ asked the pilot
Nothing came back . “ sir what should we do?  leave it “ asked the co pilot “ no , that’s a imperial star destroyer , anyway it looks as if its been abandoned “ the pilot scratched his beard in thought “ do a scan for life forms and plasma there might be a firefight or survivors of whatever happened “ ordered the pilot , after a while the co pilot responded “ 1 life form at the bridge and constant plasma signals hitting things near the doors sir , looks like the life form is shooting something “ the pilot looked at the star destroyer “ has the life form got a comm. On him “ wondered the pilot “ checking , yes sir its on channe- its gone captain “ muttered the co pilot “ alright dock with it and send a team  to the bridge also keep two teams at the docking station “ commanded the captain “ yes sir , shall we tell the clone and his friend “ asked the co pilot  “ not yet “

[hannsfartknocker]

sweeeeeeeeeet.