Topic: time for me! and my first story. characters thanks to neo

[beige-4]

                                 jedi temple 19 bby
rio koon is not just a normal jedi but a 5000 year old kel dorian with one eye being blinded by sith lord kraken he gets alot of suspicous eyes at him . felix dsen is a fellow freind of rio koon being taught by him means alot also they have done many many missions together now they all meditate and teach . helios a sith-turned-jedi was manafactured along with many others but was mostly obediant to a other sith warrior called jefras  he is also 5000 years old and a close freind towards rio koon . jefras a cocky man was born by magic along with 40,000 brothers who all remained at a agillity and appearence level of 21 . he bonded with a sith warrior like him called helios another trademark of his is a rowan cane/walking stick/lightcane
rio koon : the temple is in shatters we must leave my relative plo needs us on cato nemoidia
felix dsen : i know but .... we must help the others
rio koon : we have no time ! we must get to that planet as fast as we can !
trooper 1 : hold it there jedi ! put your lightsabers on the floor ! master rio put it down
rio koon : see felix we could be at the ship by now ! bluey we have been freinds for a long time i saved your life now its your turn
bluey : n-n-n.... aghhhjhh
the lightsaber came down his chest right through the heart that  was blueys last thought .. how pleasent?
jedi : hes commed his fellow troopers you must go..andwhat a coincidence old master ive found you
felix dsen : we must go now and helios you and rio can talk in the ships for now im agreed with master rio we must go !
another jedi ran in the corridor
jedi 2 : there coming run as fast as you ca- aghhhhhhhhhhhh
a blue lightsaber came flying towards the jedi and cut his waist from his legs
DARTH VADER : puny jedi were are your freinds now troops take him
jedi: nooo! im still alive and all good !
the jedi ignited his lightsaber and force pushed the clones back towards vader
also at that moment crawled frantically towards helios and dragged himself up his back
jedi : run !! run !!!

[beige-4]

part 2 hangar bay
helios : we must go to the senate hall my brother will be waiting
as he hopped in the jedi starfighter ' magic sword ' he instructed the r4 to get to the senate building  as fast as he could
r4 p59 : ( translated from droid languages ) whats happening
helios : nothing p five nine
the three starfighters glided towards the senate building
rio koon : we must attend to zeds wounds before they are to hard to deal with
felix dsen : as a jedi healer we can't do anything as far as i know and my abillitys are weak
zed jalsed : thanks for heads up attidude
zed was sitting in with rio in his fighter the ' hope fighter '
they landed on a strip of plastisteel and was greeted by a shocking sight from the other strip. a speeder confronted by a troopers and them killing a youngling good for zed rio thought hes blind !
the brother of helios the other sole survivors of ther ' race of species ' actually only a few knew of them being sith warriors in the distant past. only rio that is as he is 4000 years old but still they were manafactured as 21 year old warriors he thought as jefras ran towards them waving his cane at them also his golden droid was aside him
jefras : you'll never believe this my droid has found plans for a new device created by the geonosians !
helios : what?!? alright lets go jefras get your cruiser and we'll rendevous at cato nemoidia's red light district
jefras : you always were fond of working girls epecially zeltrons !
helios : your right but  rio chose cato nemoidia because of his relative there ... the time has come brother we will fight again
helios left the senator there cross armed smiling also  

[beige-4]

dum dum went his heartbeat as he woke up, his legs felt numb ' where am i ' he thought. he saw what remained of a senators cruiser in the distance his eyeing was blurred but he saw a figure rise from the debris ,suddenly a familiar beep beep beep of a sanb 21 reached his ears as another figure got caught by the three rounds used by speicalists and then CRACK!! ..........

[hangarbay94]

Wattoh, I will start by saying that I have a huge amount of respect for anyone who is posting on this forum right now. It's not easy putting pen to paper so to speak, and anyone who adds a story to this forum is doing something outside of the box.

Now, if I were to place a critical eye over your story I'd say you need to re-read it, as you've not really punctuated it too well. Also try to add a little bit about the characters surroundings. Try to paint a picture telling the reader a little more about what is going on, as the story seems to start very abruptly.

By correcting some of the mistakes you'll have a great start to a story and I am really looking forward to seeing how you progress with this.

I am very busy at work right and I'm not able to look at all of the posts I'd otherwise like to, so please PM me to let me know when you've added some more.

Have fun!

Jules

[beige-4]

    cato nemoidia
kelso looked down at the blood stained jedi " sir , are troops have captured the jedis , there waiting execution . "
reported the clone seargent .kelso frowned at the information the clone gave him with that he force choked him small mutters escaped his lips as his body fell down , kelso grabbed the jedi then dragged him towards the others , one was awake . " where is your lightsaber scum " asked kelso with a darkened voice . " go to hell " answered helios " huuuhh you'll regret saying that " said kelso as he force pulled helios towards him brzzzz sounded . kelso snarled as the pain rushed through him , he crumpled on the grassy floor beep beep beeep and the jedi , helios , fell down " see you in hell " muttered helios to his old freind , kelso got back up picking his horn from the ground " good play , good play " jeered kelso .....

[Irish Ninja 97]

Good read!


-Jack