Author Topic: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi  (Read 4694 times)

Offline ghostskull18

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Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« on: June 09, 2011, 01:32:43 PM »
This is a short story i wrote some time ago and decided to post it, its based on a custom character i made as well, i'll write part two depending on how many people like it  ;D


Ossis  had awaken in an open area of jungle  not remembering how he had gotten there, the only thing he knew was that he was about to be attacked by a rancor. The rancor was young but still very dangerous and it was charging right at him, he had to act quickly so he dashed out of the way of the charging beast, he then faced the rancor he could see the anger in it's eyes and then killed it with a force choke. In that very moment a older and bigger rancor came out of nowhere and slammed into his side breaking his arm, some ribs , and his lightsaber into two pieces. he used his good arm to call his extra saber to his hand which he had built as a padawan an slashed at the beast legs during it’s second attempt to kill him, the rancor fell and the fight was over. Ossis picked up his broken lightsaber, and a piece of the rancor’s tooth. He thought if there was anymore of these beast he would need more than one weapon, so he fashioned the tooth to the saber half and hoped for the best. There was silence, then a hum and a crackle filled the air, a emerald colored blade had burst forth from the hilt, he turned the blade off and attached the hilt to his belt. Ossis had learned at a young age how to heal with the force so he healed his arm as well as he could, then looked up an saw four of the biggest bull rancors he had ever seen in his life coming out of the jungle, and just by the way they were staring at him with their piercing eyes, he knew that he was going to be their dinner…….


Ossis hondo


PART 2

Ossis Hondo was in no condition to continue fighting, so he ran deep into the jungle, he looked behind him to see if the bull rancors were following him but they weren't so he stopped to rest in a nearby cave. Ossis heard a cracking sound so he opened one eye to see a young Nexu creeping up near him, the Nexu licked it's lips as it crept closer. Ossis jumped into a crouched position which shot a blinding pain through his  side, he activated his lightsaber, the green light casting an eerie glow throughout the cave, the Nexu growled and backed away from Ossis. He saw the fear in the creatures eyes and saw its forked tail sway back an forth, Ossis deactivated his lightsaber. He could see that the Nexu was hungry, so he reached into his pocket an pulled out a protein bar, broke it in half and shared it with the Nexu, the Nexu ate the half and then stared at Ossis with a look that was hard to explain. The Nexu walked slowly up to him and laid down at his feet and purred, Ossis thought "wow they are not as dangerous as i thought, but i could be wrong". Ossis stood up and the Nexu followed him as he left the cave, Ossis yawned and stretched out his good arm and looked up at the sky to see smoke coming from deeper in the jungle but not far from where he was standing. Ossis ran as fast as he could and the Nexu followed him to the location, Ossis couldn't believe what he saw, right in front of him he could see a massive ship crashed into some ruins, bodies littered the ground, and like a powerful wave all of Ossis's memories returned to him, he fell to his knees and cried...........
« Last Edit: July 12, 2011, 10:49:55 AM by ghostskull18 »

Offline ghostskull18

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2011, 09:33:41 AM »
If anyone reads this please leave a comment, they would be gladly appreciated  ;D

Offline RebelAce

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2011, 12:56:16 AM »
Nice little short you have written.  It feels like a prologue to a bigger story, which i hope you eventually flesh out.  If I may offer one piece of constructive criticism however, (and i am by no means a literary expert) focus a little more on the details of the action.  What I mean by that  for example is when you said Hondo killed the rancor with the force, did he use force lightning? force choke? levitation?  Little details like that add a lot more to the action, and also gives us a look at the characters abilities.  Little things like that separate a good story from a great story.  But other than that it sounds like Hondo has gotten himself into a bit of a situation and I'm interested how he got there and how it turns out for him.

Offline ghostskull18

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2011, 08:01:46 AM »
Nice little short you have written.  It feels like a prologue to a bigger story, which i hope you eventually flesh out.  If I may offer one piece of constructive criticism however, (and i am by no means a literary expert) focus a little more on the details of the action.  What I mean by that  for example is when you said Hondo killed the rancor with the force, did he use force lightning? force choke? levitation?  Little details like that add a lot more to the action, and also gives us a look at the characters abilities.  Little things like that separate a good story from a great story.  But other than that it sounds like Hondo has gotten himself into a bit of a situation and I'm interested how he got there and how it turns out for him.

thanks for the advice, i edited that one part for you, i plan on posting part 2 btw, i guess you have 2 tune in to see if he survives  ;D

Offline Clonehead

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2011, 11:32:56 AM »
Cool read so far. I look forward to reading more.

Offline ghostskull18

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2011, 11:35:02 AM »
Cool read so far. I look forward to reading more.

thanks a lot!, i'll post part 2 soon  i hope, i still gotta fix some things in part 2  ;D

Offline wookielover1138

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2011, 12:21:36 PM »
Very cool read so far ghost, can't wait to see what else will happen!!!

Offline CaptainLux

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2011, 05:25:21 PM »
cool custom!

Offline ghostskull18

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2011, 05:33:14 PM »
Very cool read so far ghost, can't wait to see what else will happen!!!

THANKS!!!  ;D

Offline ghostskull18

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi
« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2011, 05:34:32 PM »

Offline ghostskull18

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Re: Ghost Customs Presents: Ossis Hondo: Jedi (Part 2)
« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2011, 10:43:14 AM »
 :)
« Last Edit: July 12, 2011, 10:49:17 AM by ghostskull18 »